Jiya Se Jiya.....!

Hi MISS BLoggy,,,


Without any ado, let me start with something that has been accumulating in my HEART for quite some time ,,,,

Let me start with the musts for this blog which i am going to write (PLEASE NOTE THE TENSE ' going' , for i have not still completed the blog,,,, )

a. I am going to write this in the most layman language possible , not using any fashionable or rather vogue language to convey my emotions...

b. I am going to post this blog at the first draft itself, that means finish the blog and post it......so spare me for the innumerable grammatical mistakes and huge no. of spell mistakes, which though is usaul with my blogs ...

c. I am going to make sure that the person for whom i have written this blog ,,,reads it........,,i don't know why ,,,but i want it to be done for the first time...!!!


more rules will be set as i move ahead with my writing...!!


My present Mood : worried for tommorow's OSCAR results ....am sure RAHMAN is going to win it though.....so Oscar's is what is on my mind right now.....and physically i am feeling as tired as possible,.....i mean like yesterday i hope i don;t sleep on the computer itself...!!!!!


So the post is going to be about a person,,,,,,who is springing back on my mind ,,,,,time to time,,,,again and again,.....!!!

You want to know WHY ...???and WHO...???

welll even if you don't want to know it ,,i am going to blog about it MY MISS BLOGGY....!!!

Right now i am 23 legally and in these 23 years ,,,i have bbeen naturally attracted to the opposite sex EMOTIONALLY a few time......and with some assumptions ,,, i think vice versa also has been true...!!!!

So i am going to write about the only person who has been able to hold her place in my faculties most strongly....!!!

But why blog about her,,,,,i feel its neccessary to do it,,,it has been poking my mind from quite some time.....I NEVER THOUGHT IN MY LIFE THAT I WOULD BE ADMITTING THIS <<<!!!!




To give a small introduction......

I guess in everybody's life there are references in our life,,,which comes back to your mind as soon as you come to a situation similar to that...... For instance when you move to a new address or place,,you start comparing it with the life you had in your previous one....!! Also same holds true for the material stuff,,,,,your first mobile,,,,your first SMS,,,,your first car,,your first job,,,,,your first accident......etc...!! I am saying that the emotions associated with those moments,,,holds special place in our mind's memory...and we keep on adding to it...as time moves on,,,and we keep coming to similar situations like that.......adding to that set of emotions and using it as reference with time to time...>!!!! the same applies to a set of emotions called maybe in layterms LOVE>>>!!!


So narrating in a bollywoodish style about the person whom i going to blog,,and the story we had so far,,and the emotions i have piled in my HEART because of the interaction with her...


We had met in school.....i was attracted to her at the first glance itself.....,, i mean woh physical wala attraction nahin,,,,,but kuch alag tha,,,,, WE came good friends,,,within no time,,,,as far as i can remember...we had exchanged friendship bands,,,,being one of the instance i remember.........!!!

What i liked about her..????

Honesty......i guess every atom in her body had an element of truth ,,,,,,very clearly stating her liking,,,,,no double games,,,,,,no mind games,,,just plain truth.....!! Very strong with her emotions atleast externally,.,,,,our friendship just hit off....i had an extremely comfortable zone with her around...!!!!
She felt i dressed decently and was Sincere..!

It was not the JAANE TU ya JAANE NA type of deep friendship ./....but something sort of where we talked to each other,,,teased each other,,ehhhhhhhhhhh.......,,,in short i can't explain it...!!!! In short i had great admiration for her...!!!! ( 'had' .....?? )


Running ahead in time....After school ,,,,she moved to a college.....and i tried my luck for preparation for competitive exams....cleared one of them,,,.....no major communications between us during this period...>..!!!!


I joined my college.....first year passed offf....no major communication...!!! In the second year of my engineering.....i guess,,,we met each other,,,,,online./.......!!! I mean it was not of the sort of the orkutish online meeting,.,,,,where i like a despo and frusto guy,,who went on looking for interactions with girls....!!


i was more occupied with the proceedings in my college,,studies....sports,,,,family,,,,,i guess...girls were the last thing in my mind,,,then........i mean it may be abnormal to say that,,, But it was the case,,,, i mean ,,,,i had no major emotions for any opposite sex,,,,i was happy exploring them on Videos,,,,and other avenues available ,,as far as i can remember...!!!



So here by chance we met online,,,,, we used to meet online,,,,sharing each other's nitty gritties.....i mean ,,...she was the one....who moved with the interactions....i mean in starting conservations.,,,, more keen....,NOT trying to sound "DUDISH " ,,but the plain truth ,,and i liked that....i mean her honesty,,in doing so.......!!!


Slowly i got addicted to the conversations with her....and i admitted to her at the first instance itself....!!! Eventually it became a daily chore for both of us......i mean it was more or less compulsory to report to each other,,,,with our daily proceedings...!!



We were at two different cities,,,and eventually we met at my city......and our meeting had something MAGICAL>.....to be short.....i didn't do anything special for her,,,,nor did she do anything....and to my judgement...she was the very poorly dressed ,,,with a specs,,,and a trousers,,,or something to that effect..,,,.!! But that meeting had a effect on me ,,,,i felt for the first time,,,that i shared a special feeling for her,,,, and even i asked her this question ... in my college canteen/..... Can you define our relationship....??? She said " Its between love and freindship...!"

So moving ahead......we started caring about each other,,,,i was tensed abt her academics,,,,she about my....!!!


We talked till late night sometimes.....and started using the sentences,,,, MISS YOU .... !!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,WAS thinking about you all day...!!,,,,,Wish we were together...!!,,,we even fantasized what we would have done for each other if we were together....!!! And i assume it was all genuine....!! When not able to get online....i SMS'ed her from my sisters mobile.....(AND THAT REMINDS ME ,,HOW I HATED MOBILES THEN....i did'nt had one.....) to which she even complained that,,,,whether she was not a big motivation for me buying and keeping a mobile..??

So time moved on for perhaps one year,,,,where ,,,,we used to time our meeting time...scolding each other if anyone was late...!!!. She occupying most of my time,,,,,i mean in my mind,,,and she said the same...>!!!!

We talked abt anything and everything to be with each other....fantasing abt each other,,,,,talking and discussing daily affairs.,her previous affairs,,,,,.i asked her abt my feelings for her,,,,that WHY DID i think abt her all time,,,,,was it normal.,,Would we be friends like this all time,,,,.etc...!!! this went for abt a year,,,,i guess....then came her competitive exams ,,CAT and all that stuff,,,placements ,,etc...!!!

And moving ahead in time......our interactions suddenly became lesser,,,,,she started coming online lesser...,,even if she did,,,she started talking abt her ex bf,,,to whom i referred as her superman..,,,,

now when i used the words : Miss you,,,,thinking abt you...she felt i was being mushy..i stopped using them ? ...


.i sms'ed her......to which she didn't reply quite a few time....and then one day she stated ...."I don;t like talking on sms'es ???" ...i stopped sms'ing her...!!


I called her a few time...she said that "She was with a friend of her,,,watching a movie,,",,etc

And then one day....during our chance online meeting,,,,she stated that..""..ANKIT IT's important for me to tell you that .,,, i have a bf now...!!!!"" I said okay........and ended our conversation ....!!!


To be honest,,i never expected myself.....but i had broken off then,,,i mean i had cried,,,,and i don;t know why......i felt dejected then.....feeling different sets of emotions ,,,ANGER<,FRUSTRATION,,,,REJECTED<,,,,and the worst USED<,,,,,going on me..>!! i stayed moodless for quite a few days,,,,!!! I answered myself a few question ....


WHY DID i FEEL USED..???

The answer to that was simple....

**She had broken off from her ex bf then......when i came on to the scene,,Was this the reason?

**Caring abt her,,,she became the centre of my thoughts,,,,and she said the same.....to which i had no doubts,,,,,,then why sudden change of heart.....???

**Was i just a buffer for her...??...satisfying her longing for attention....,,,giving her a importance,,,and most importantly ,,,,giving her time and reasons ...to forget abt her ex-flame,,,for which she had and has maybe huge emotions attached...!

there were different set of emotions going on in my mind...!!

Dejected ?

*** I mean .....there was this girl...for whom i used to run off from my college festivals,,,,just to be in time to talk to her,,,feel her presence....

***We used to stay late online,,waiting for each other,,,,just to say a hi to each other..when anyone of us was not around at the scheduled time..!!!

***I had never proposed to her,,,,nor had we committed to each other....but we did say to each other that we liked each other....and it would be tough even imagining not talking to each other... the indifference to me ,,,.?


To cut the story short :

I felt myself to be a little like chandramukhi .....or rather chanda....!!!!




I cleared my mind,,,, and said to myself...that .....Atleast she was honest abt her emotions..she was honest in stating that "She has a BF now ///"




But AS we had discussed many times....that the base of our relationship is FRIENDSHIp,,which is very strong... thereby,,,,our relationship will always continue on that level....

I thought i should atleast talk to her as a good friend,,which we had always been..!



Anyways cutting the bollywoodish writing,,,,

let me state the intent of writing this blog post ,,,and why is it important for me..: -

a. I don't want to prove that ..it was all her mistake,,,,,

b. She still springs in my mind from time to time.....and i don't want it to happen,,,,as it makes my life hard,,,

The most pertinent question that comes to my mind again and again ......i mean i had invested with her my valuable time during college time,,,,which could have been given to various other stuff and persons...was all that time worth it ..?/

Should i forget her ? ,,,,i tried to do that many a time....but let me say,,it is not so easy.....!!!

c. I have never used that line "I will miss you ",,,to any of my opposite friends ,,after her......eventhough i wanted to say that ,,,,,but i become apprehensive about it..>!!!

d. I have become wary abt forwarding my emotions ,,i guess,,,,that is also hurting me..?

e. i want to note these feelings,,,and vent it out forever from my body...>?

f. I would like to show this to any of my prospective life partner !!!


To write abt the pros this relationship had to me :

** i Have stopped being too friendly with gals,,who have just broken off with thier EX...as i feel they need a lot of time with themselves,,before moving on !!!

** Even I have emotions .....yeh,,actually i never felt that i would feel so strong abt someone in my life...!!

** Interactions with her,,,as to what type of person i am,,,basically she has shown me a mirror ,,which has helped me in making opinions abt myself.....and some insights into what type of life partner,,if i have any in the future,,,,would suit me,!!!

** She made me feel LOVEABLE for some time >...i mean basically there are two types of people LOVEABLE AND NoT LOVEABLE I feel i am of the second type,,,,,but for sometime she gave me the feeling that i was loveable too///!


To her...."IF SHE IS READING THIS BLOG POST ??"

***Heroine....i did call you and SMS'ed you quite a few time in the past months...to which you have replied being busy,,,,,or you will contact me later...!!! I wanted to discuss all this....verbally,,,and not in written as the case is now...!!!,,

***This post in no terms is mean't to show you down....but it was just important for me to tell you my side of story,,,,rather than just keep it in my mind..wouldn't mind knowing your take on it.!!!

***I don't want to keep any grudge against you in myself,,,,rather than its better i communicate it to you..what say .?

**I can't write poems,,,or use complicated language ,,,in explaining my emotions in short,,,!

If you come across this blog post,,,,Wish you the best luck for your future aspirations and most importantly for your good health...!!!!!


*****....hoping you don't feel the ending to be too mushy,mot my intention*****


I am not sure whether i have posted my feelings as i had intended too......but would still go ahead and post it without re reading it....ITS really very tough to put emotions into words..!!



Reading now :

Japanese Wife : Kunal Basu

Movie Seen : Delhi-6

Listening to : Dhol Yaara Dhol from Dev D


Feeling lighter now ,,,, have to get up at 5 am for the oscars,,,go RAHMAN go,,,,!!!